Last week, my friend Dior was hosting the Creative Speaking event at Hustlers Villa. And when we usually go turn by turn and pick a random topic, the last round was about opening a topic first, then asking who would like to take it.

The topic was: “What would you like to change in your life?”.

After looking all around the table, Dior noticed that nobody wanted to take it, and asked one of the participants, Daniel, if he would go for it.

“The thing is I don’t wanna change anything in my life”, he replied.

It instantly clicked in my mind.

After hearing his answer, I got it. I raised my hand and said I’d go for it.

It’s improvisation, so you can’t prepare anything. I instantly got started.

I went way beyond the 2 minutes I was allowed to on stage, but since it was the last topic and people seemed to like it, they let me keep going until I was done.

Here’s what I talked about.

1 – If I wanted to change something in my life, chances are that I’d have done it already

That’s what Daniel had in mind when he said “I don’t want to change anything in my life”.

I have done all the big changes I have ever wanted to do in my life.

When I felt sick of living in a toxic environment while my parents were divorcing, I went to a residential school at age 14.

When I felt sick of being a shy and socially irrelevant teenager, I got my ass in the street to talk to strangers and face my fear.

When I felt sick of being in a useless scholar system, I started to do volunteering and to create my own businesses.

When I felt sick of being in the same city 23 years after I was born, I bought a bicycle and crossed countries.

When I felt sick of being broke and in debt, I created an eCom business that generated $750,000 in sales.

I am now developing a private remote island into a sustainable resort community, and I can’t see any big change I’d like to do in my life that I haven’t done already.

I barely understand what it means to write those words when I’m not even 30, and I think I don’t even fully acknowledge yet the luck I got to face the type of challenges that led me here.

It doesn’t mean I won’t do any more big changes.

It means that if I feel like one has to be made, I will dive in and get to do it as soon as possible.

That’s why, when I first looked at the question, I felt just like Daniel. I felt like I didn’t want to change anything in my life.

2 – Enters “The Little Things”

I think I have been biting my nails since I am 3.

My parents constantly reprimanded me for doing so.

“Stop biting your nails!”,
“It’s dirty”,
“Thomas, your hands!”.

I’ve read a lot on the matter, but I still haven’t figured our a way to stop doing it.

It’s probably because the pain caused by this weird habit is not as intense as the energy it would take me to actively stop this lifelong habit.

But why would it matter?

It’s just a little thing, and as long as I don’t bite them until it bleeds, why would it be an issue?

I found the answer as I was on stage.

Even though it’s a little thing, or a detail, this is a little thing that matters, as so many other little things I started to notice in my life.

Not because having nice hands would dramatically change my life for the better, but because not having nice hands is a symptom that I can’t control myself (when I am too focused, nervous or bored).

I am also not proud to show my hands on pictures, which is not impacting my life at any level, but is a symptom that I should do something about it.

I haven’t found a way to stop biting my nails, but as for now, I acknowledge this is something I should work on, and it’s the first step towards improvement.

Other little things include:
– Failing at creating long lasting habits that matters to me (writing, video making, etc.)
– Being slightly over my ideal weight
– Being still a bit too impatient (work in progress)
– Being too addicted to my phone
– Going to bed too late

3 – When the little things become the big things

You probably heard of the Maslow’s Pyramid (hierarchy or needs).

I think what I am realising right now as I write those words, is that this “what I want to change” question is somehow following this as well.

When I was too overwhelmed with how bad it felt to be the shyest person on the planet and to be socially handicapped, I couldn’t focus on stopping to bite my nails.

Because the first issue was the most painful. So I focused on that instead.

When I was too depressed of feeling like I was stuck in my hometown after 23 years being alive on Earth, I couldn’t focus on stopping to check my phone.

Because the first feeling was the most painful.

So maybe it’s not about big and small things, but about how painful something is compared to another, and how we tend to prioritise (probably not consciously) the things that are the most painful.

That’s how the little things become the big things, after you worked and transformed the big things already.

I now believe it’s always about how painful one thing is compared to another.

That’s why it can be tricky.

Because at some points, some things are not that painful after all, and it’s just about growing more self control, going to the next level.

I could bite my nails for the rest of my life, and I’ll be very fine.

So why do I feel like I should stop?

I don’t specifically care of having the nicest hands. It’s more about the realisation that biting my nails is something that is totally outside of my control, and I don’t do consciously at all.

I just notice I’m doing it after I already got started.

I guess that’s the definition of an addiction, except that this one has a very small negative impact on my life, so I felt like I could leave it as it was so far.

Because I was working on “bigger things”.

Wikipedia says: “Addiction is a brain disorder characterized by compulsive engagement in rewarding stimuli despite adverse consequences.”

“Adverse consequence” is key here.

Because it could mean that without adverse consequence, it’s not really an addiction. Yet adverse consequence is far from being something objective.

It’s personal.

It depends what you perceive as an adverse consequence for yourself, and what it a good consequence for yourself.

It also depends on the scale.

Masturbation can have good consequences if you do it a few times a week, but if you do it 5 times a day, it probably will have some negative consequences (or does it? Haven’t thought much about it).

I have no definitive conclusion to make here, and I know I brought more questions than answers.

But as a lot of people smarter than me said: it’s not about finding the greatest answers, it’s about finding the greatest questions.

One thing I know, though, is that now I don’t have any “big thing” I want to change in my life, I have more attention and energy to spend on identifying and correcting those little things that seem to have a small impact, but are still symptoms of lack of self control and addiction.